Self-care & I: A Journal Entry

Written by Filsan Abdiaman

Image: Laura Berger (source: https://www.lauraberger.com/projects)

Once upon a time… Self-care stole my heart

“You do not just wake up and become the butterfly — growth is a process”

-Rupi kaur

— a few things I learned about Self-care and I :

A Journal Entry.

Starting with the words of another and a drawing of a flower

(on my coffee cup)

As I sit here with myself

practicing

My

Self

Care…

doing this

Because words today

are not flowing so easy this morning

and it’s only because

I am trying my best to

impress you

with this mornings note… wait —

Silly me,

I should know better…

A simple I love you will

suffice…

But oh no;

Self-care here to save the day—

only,

Self-care came the wrong way;

It left me

left us

and then

…

Note: - this may take a while

One day…

Self-care stole away my happiness

and when it was done with me,

It emptied my fortress;

Stole away my love

and robbed me

of all my will-power

“How can this be?” you ask

“Self-love is kind and healing” you say

Not always for me;

My journey to caring for me

/ loving you

wasn't real

it wasn't for me —

I did it for everyone

but

for you.

Once upon a time,

Self-love began as a

catchy/trendy term

I didn't think I needed it —

I only wanted it

to show off to this world

Show

that I was different

in my quest for life /

in my zest for life…

meaning

Self-care was my badge—

wearing it

to explain away

why I was

the way I was —

did everything I did like

Single and serial dating,

Self-care was something that made me cool

I used it to explain away all my problems

And

The more I used it to this end

saying this and that

About doing alright

when really I wasn’t,

The more empty

I felt inside

the more I began to see what I was missing :

I was unkind and hurtful to you

because I felt fooled

and like a fraud

I became

Worst enemy to myself

wanting to make you

suffer for the feelings I had —

Feelings I didn't comprehend

or even know I had

And I didn't understand

why doing the things

I thought would help me move on to greatness,

made me feel so isolated and confused

With what I believed was self-care

- I reached my greatest highs

and also

dug a deep drench

inside me in between

what love is really meant to be like

and all my feelings

for you //

towards you.

Ruptured inside

I felt myself slipping

through the cracks—

going out of my mind

I didn't know who I was anymore…

And I didn't care

about You at all

And then it was all gone

A vacant space where

Self-care should have been.

And then one day my disordered eating

(I used for coping)

became a disorder

And I was at the start of something else …

In therapy

Re-learning

what it should be like

to say I love you to yourself

And actually meaning it

But this time true loving

was a struggle

But it was real …

A new beginning

Seeking a counsel

for my lost emotions

And then writing

love notes to myself

Also sometimes telling others

Yes I do

have issues

And when I’m able

admitting to myself

that I am not fine

I am not perfect and self-care for someone else

isn't my cup of tea

Admitting to myself that I am like everyone else

and my struggles are human

And yes,

I am strong.

Losing what I believed was my saviour

The self-care I knew was not self-care

And I know that now because I see the war it stirred up

in me

in my mind and body…

losing myself,

losing all of you

I see that what claimed to be self-care was really in fact my call for help

and this here— all these entries to you

what I call

love notes

Are my ways of truly loving you

the way I should have

Loving me the way love is meant to be given

My way back to self care has been difficult

and everyday is an opportunity to say:

I LOVE YOU

and to remind myself that difficulty is life

And I need to believe in me,

my strengths

my beauty

my courage

to outlive all the difficult

anxiety / fears / disorders and addictions I deal with

Every day is a blessing

because I survived the day before

and i was good to myself today

when I did not want to be.

Insha’Allah one day, all this will come easy—

this loving myself will flow easy,

it will feel natural and be my normal

Loving me, loving you

will be something I simply do…

Until then,

This is my way of holding things down,

making sure I don't burn down

Making sure you know

I know

That despite everything that I put you through,

I will love you enough to pick up this pen and write to you

an endless essay of all the ways

I will love you,

should love you,

will love you-

if that makes sense or not,

so longs as it is said

written and ended with the simple

I love you always.

Self-care & I: A Journal Entry

Nataizya Mukwavi

Where We Started